Category: TTC Journey

I truly have never met a soul that enjoys waiting. It’s only human nature to want your needs (or wants) to be met immediately; to be met the exact moment you want them. However, this game we all embark in, called life, is filled with waiting. Being forced to wait is a good thing for us, though. It keeps us grounded, builds our patience, and encourages us to plant our feet a little more…at least I think. Whether your waiting game is based on your delivery man, a Black Friday deal, an offer on a new house, or within a TTC journey, it brings forward the potential for so many emotions.

It’s so easy to forget that pregnancy loss impacts more than just the person that was physically pregnant. I thought it would only be fair to give y’all my husband’s perspective on pregnancy loss. Let’s be honest here, he might have had one of the most difficult jobs of all: saying all the right things, doing all the right actions, supporting my mental/emotional state 100% of the time, AND grieving the loss of his own child. SIMULTANEOUSLY.

All of us know how babies are made, and know that the basic process is quite opposite of a stressful experience. In my eyes, it should be simple and easy. Growing up, I remember taking health classes and sex education classes beginning in 5th grade. When you’re taught that your body is naturally made to conceive, you don’t need to take the time or do the research to really understand every process your body goes through to do so…unless conception becomes a struggle, of course.

It’s unnatural to think bad things will happen to you, right? I always looked around at my family and friends who have had smooth, healthy pregnancies and babies (even unplanned), and I never once had a slight fear that my journey wouldn’t be as easy as theirs. Enduring pregnancy loss is extremely damaging; it’s damaging physically, emotionally, and mentally. However, there is one thing that this experience didn’t damage, but only strengthened.

I am a HUGE holiday-season fan. I love everything about Thanksgiving and Christmas: the food, the family, the movies, the decor, the shopping, and just the spirit! It’s always the happiest 2 months of the year for me. This year, however, has been a little different…a little off.

Have you ever felt like you have a target or a “kick me” sign attached to you? I’ve never felt more different or targeted in my life than after having been through a pregnancy loss. You don’t have to tell me that I’m similar to so many other women; you don’t have to tell me that I’m NOT being targeted, because I know this. I am in my head- those thoughts drive my true feelings and the only thing I can do is feel my own feelings, you know? In order for me to “help” the situation, I just have to go through the motions and deal with it as it comes. That’s my exact problem, though, dealing with it when it comes.

As I began my road to recovery, my doorbell was ringing nonstop. In between my frequent meals and naps, there were flowers, care packages, visitors, and food deliveries. I was overwhelmed with how much love and support I was getting from my friends and family.

“So, when are you planning on having kids?”

As a newlywed, you nearly become numb to this question. It’s totally normal. People are excited that you are now married and expect you to be just as excited as them to move to the next step-making babies! The question comes from such a great, excited, loving place from people. Trust me, I am even MORE excited to make babies of my own than the person asking me, but it’s just not that easy for some and this question can be tough to hear when you’re facing TTC struggles or pregnancy loss. I must say, I’d rather get this question twenty times each day than to hear other comments about TTC.

So I have done a lot of thinking as to why pregnancy loss is something that is so hidden away in the darkness. One (of many conclusions) I have created is that because it’s such a delicate, emotional experience, people have a difficult time responding supportively to it. When you believe deep inside that nothing you can do or say can make a situation better, there is a HUGE chance that something awkward, inappropriate, or unrelated will naturally come out of your mouth.

My surgery and experience was nowhere near immobilizing, but it definitely took a toll on my physical self (lots of bed rest and food cravings…definitely gained some weight, haha!). From the moment I had surgery until my HCG levels reached 0, I had to stop taking vitamins (for risk of interaction with the Methotrexate), no working out (for fear of injury/muscle soreness that could be mistaken for ectopic pregnancy pains), no swimming or baths (to avoid possible infection post-surgery), no bedroom activities (if you know what I mean *wink*)…and SO. MANY. RULES.